Sunday, October 26, 2008

"Wholly" Hyperbole! A Satiristst's Response to Viral Lies and Misrepresentations

A.J. Caliendo is a satirist and freelance writer based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

If people are going to believe all the negatives published on some political blogs and websites, then it is only fair that those same people believe the crap about ALL candidates, not just the one they hate for whatever irrational reason. So here, complete with ethnic slurs, are some “FACTS” that I came across on the Internet.

My Friends:

With the day of reckoning drawing ever nearer, it is more important than ever that you weigh all the FACTS before making the apocalyptic decision to vote for a man who will, according to reliable sources, hand this great country of ours over to the military and declare himself - a la historic figures such as Manuel Noriega and Idi Amin - president for life.

Below are FACTS that have been checked and double checked by our staff through really, really reliable fact-checking resources like, The Globe and Wikipedia. IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL that you read these facts before making the biggest mistake of your lives by helping to elect a man who won’t be able to wake up when that life-or-death decision needs to be made because his sleep has already been interrupted four times to take a leak.

Take a look at what we mean.

John McCain has voted with President George W. Bush 117% of the time. That shocking percentage was made possible when, on several occasions, the senator from Arizona snuck back into line during the count and voted three or more times for the same bill.

Senator McCain is of Irish descent. It is a well documented fact that people of this ethnicity are all notorious drunkards whose judgment has been severely damaged by a daily average intake of one half bottle of Bushmill’s Whiskey and two six-packs of Guinness. Is this the man whose liver-spotted finger YOU want on “the button?”

McCain promised Viet Nam-era General William Westmoreland on his death bed that, if he was ever elected president, he would give all veterans of that illegal war (even the homeless, crazy ones) tax-free status for life and appoint as many as possible to cabinet posts and seats on the Supreme Court.

Despite her pro-life rantings, McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has had four abortions over the past 20 years to terminate pregnancies to six different men. This is confirmed by Palin’s childhood friend Anita Life who says she accompanied the governor to each of the procedures and even filled out insurance forms for Palin on two of those occasions while the Vice-Presidential candidate applied make-up so she would look good for the “hot doc” performing the abortions.

Of the five children Palin does claim, the youngest, a Downs Syndrome boy named Trig, is actually the child of her seven-year-old daughter Piper, the result of a whirlwind affair with 54-year-old French Canadian Fur Trapper Pierre Freshener (pronounce frosh-en-yay.)

Palin’s remaining four “children” were provided by a well-know temporary help service only 10 months ago when talk of a possible vice-presidential nomination began to circulate in Republican party circles. Win or lose, the kids go back November 5.

McCain has voted 6,472 times to provide exact replicas of Air Force One to each CEO of companies in the Fortune 500.

Although he claims that injuries sustained in a North Viet Namese prisoner of war camp have severely limited range of motion in his arms, the Republican nominee was spotted high-fiving Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson after the passage of a bill to provide 71 billion (with a “B”) dollars to bail out close personal friends Fredrick R. (Freddy) Mack and Frances (Fannie) Mae.

All we are asking is that you consider these indisputable allegations before casting your vote for a man who some say (we are still checking this one out) is the reincarnation of Judas Iscariot.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


The Committee To Convince People To Vote For the Guy We Like

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